Your Child, Your Family
Copyright Kim Kirkley 2002
 As
the bride and groom, it is your "Big Day" yet it
is never yours alone. Once you take your wedding vows, a new
constellation of family relationships is established. And,
if you or your intended have children, you are creating a
whole new family structure. There are ways to facilitate these
sometimes difficult transitions. Children's vows -- promises
elicited from parents and children in support of their new
relationships -- create ceremonial moments where you and your
children have the opportunity to stand in the magic of ritual,embrace
your family's transformation and, if you choose, the children
may receive a memento of your enduring love.
Recently, I had the opportunity
to officiate a wedding ceremony that included the groom's
fourteen-year-old daughter. At the rehearsal, the teenager
confessed that she was feeling awkward about joining the processional
with the couple and decided that she would not read the poem
her father had picked out for her. Even though the daughter
approved of the relationship and had real affection for the
bride, it was clear that the wedding ceremony would be a difficult
transition for her. We wondered whether the girl would like
to participate in the ceremony at all. I asked the youngster
whether she wanted to exchange special promises with her stepmother
to be. Here, she was emphatic. She definitely felt comfortable
exchanging children's vows with the bride. In spite of her
difficulties with being a part of the ceremony, she knew that
she could well benefit from using this sanctioned, formal
occasion to help transform this relationship.
Her father, recognizing the
difficulty that his daughter was experiencing, surprised the
youngster during the ceremony by presenting her with a special
piece of jewelry. This child tearfully received a beautiful
pendant that represented her new blended family. Like the
wedding rings that the bride and groom exchanged, the daughter's
necklace will be a tangible reminder of her place of honor
and inclusion in her new family.
As adults we know that rituals,
such as wedding ceremonies, help us to accept and adjust emotionally
to great changes in our lives. Children's vows, reinforced
with a necklace or whatever symbol suits your family, provide
youngsters with an unparalleled opportunity to reflect upon
and commemorate their bond to their parents and their parent's
partner. Ideally, by preparing and reciting vows together
and presenting and receiving keepsakes, the parents and children
are able to share and clarify their vision of the best possible
future for their blended families. The wedding ceremony marks
the passing of one era and the beginning of a new one. The
nourishing significance of children's vows reinforced with
a family memento, empower children and their newly wed parents
to begin the new era focusing on creating the best family
relationships possible. This is a gift for the entire family.
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Example
of children's vows:
Officiant:
I ask you, Bride/Stepmother, will you give your all
to assist Child in her development into a compassionate,
responsible adult? Will you respect her relationship
with her parents as you appreciate your important place
in her life? Will you treat her with sincere interest,
fairness and respect?
Bride/Stepmother:
I will.
Officiant:
Child, now that your family will include Bride/Stepmother,
will you give your all to be fair and respectful to
her and do your very best to create the best possible
parent/child relationship?
Child:
I will.
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For more information about wedding keepsakes
for children contact your local jeweler or for a Family Medallion
(TM) contact www.familymedallion.com
or Clergy Services, Inc. at (800) 237-1922.
 For
your complimentary consultation or to check my availability,
feel free to contact me at Kim@kimkirkley.com
or 718.753.1993. Thank you.
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